Horrorscopes updated 1st and 15th of each month.
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March 21-April 19
Running into the woods when weird things happen is not advisable.
September 23-October 22
There's a killer in the house. You know there's a killer in the house. You are outside of the house. Sure, it's safe to go back inside for the gun to protect yourself. I'm in your will, right?
April 20-May 20
You're still a virgin. Don't worry. You're safe ... you what? With who?! You're a goner.
October 23-November 21
The lights will go out later tonight. It's not a power failure.
May 21-June 21
November 22-December 21
You may feel like calling the police today. Don't bother. They won't show up until after you've already taken care of the situation.
June 22-July 22
Oh yes, it's a scary situation. Definetly, split up. You'll cover more ground quicker that way.
December 22-January 19
There's a strange sound outside. Make sure when you go to investigate, you're wearing your most flimsy of underwear.
July 23-August 22
There will be a dangerous situation. Be sure to run upstairs instead of downstairs so you can get out.
January 20-February 18
Someone is going to try and kill you today. Don't grab a gun and shoot them. It will only make them madder.
August 23-September 22
Some teenagers got brutally killed at the lake last summer. Nobody ever found who did it. Your friends want to go to the lake for the weekend. You're going? You're an idiot.
February 19-March 20
Forget trying to sneak around. Floor boards will creak, and doors will squeak all day for you.
Did this Horrorscope seem too short? Well, there's a reason for it. You're not going to be around long enough for a long one. According to the Horrorscope Horoscope, today you will meet a man with a bloody axe. He will hack you up into teeny tiny pieces. It will be very painful.
Have yourself a wonderful day.