Horrorscopes updated 1st and 15th of each month.
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March 21-April 19
There's a killer in the house. You know there's a killer in the house. You are outside of the house. Sure, it's safe to go back inside for the gun to protect yourself. I'm in your will, right?
September 23-October 22
Why are you running? You're just going to trip and fall, then get caught anyway.
April 20-May 20
There will be a dangerous situation. Be sure to run upstairs instead of downstairs so you can get out.
October 23-November 21
Someone is going to try and kill you today. Don't grab a gun and shoot them. It will only make them madder.
May 21-June 21
You may feel like calling the police today. Don't bother. They won't show up until after you've already taken care of the situation.
November 22-December 21
Forget trying to sneak around. Floor boards will creak, and doors will squeak all day for you.
June 22-July 22
Running into the woods when weird things happen is not advisable.
December 22-January 19
Oh yes, it's a scary situation. Definetly, split up. You'll cover more ground quicker that way.
July 23-August 22
You're still a virgin. Don't worry. You're safe ... you what? With who?! You're a goner.
January 20-February 18
The lights will go out later tonight. It's not a power failure.
August 23-September 22
There's a strange sound outside. Make sure when you go to investigate, you're wearing your most flimsy of underwear.
February 19-March 20
Some teenagers got brutally killed at the lake last summer. Nobody ever found who did it. Your friends want to go to the lake for the weekend. You're going? You're an idiot.
Did this Horrorscope seem too short? Well, there's a reason for it. You're not going to be around long enough for a long one. According to the Horrorscope Horoscope, today you will meet a man with a bloody axe. He will hack you up into teeny tiny pieces. It will be very painful.
Have yourself a wonderful day.